I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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