I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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