I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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