I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
