in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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