Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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