First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
