If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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