I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
