I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
