Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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