I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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