I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
