I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
