I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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