I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
