I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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