wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
