Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart