my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
