Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
