So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
