Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
