So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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