Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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