my mouth tastes like poor choices
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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