How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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