So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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