I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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