Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
