I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
