Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
