I cannot find my penis.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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