its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
