i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
