I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
