I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
