May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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