can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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