New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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