The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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