She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize