Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
