I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
