I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
it was like eating out sand paper
no you cant smoke seaweed
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
