I met the friendliest cop last night
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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