Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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