i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
