you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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