Where is the hickey?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
