i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
