I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
