I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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