One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
